literati

a letter sent to some One

hi!

this letter is my way of summing up what i have been up to since we made the pact to be together.

when i decided to give it a go - i know what i was doing and i was sure i wanted it. i know it may sound a bit peculiar considering the proximity factor - that is vital to any relationship; but anyhow, we managed to work it out even through chat, and phone calls. it's even peculiar because we really haven't met personally and it sounds really funny though. for one we're living in this information age where everything is possible so this may not sound really odd.

i was convinced to get on it though i barely have known you, well, except for those correspondence we used to have :) i mean, i may have trusted you that easily because i can sense the sincere persona that you may have reflected on our virtual correspondence (i hope in reality, indeed it is true). i do believe so :) i just hope that what i believe in are true. hehehe.

but, know what, i also believe in the intervention of some sort of cosmic connection between us - maybe there has to be a reason for this circumstance to exist.

it all happened so fast yet a part of me believed that maybe there was something else that existed between us. it was not a mere whirlwind thing for it has exemplified an extraordinary sigh of relief in this jaded wall i once built for myself to keep me from further pain and disappointments. i have always shield my self from being infected by the virus of lower class beings, because i believed that to have oneself subjected to one’s lower faculties is a sign of being a lower class being. To fall in love is subjecting oneself to one of the lower faculties, the heart. when i met you at the chat room, i had no idea who you really are, how do you look like, and stuffs that a decent individual would demand before one agree to have a relationship. i mean i was not really looking for somebody for i was just having fun being anyone i want to be, especially that we’re in a virtual world. in your case, i was in the mood of being the other real me, so we chatted pretty well. so you came, seemed to be a harmless human being whose intentions seem unscathed. you were nice to me, that’s why from that time on, i decided to be open to whatever possibility that the moment can offer. to my surprise, it all came unexpected, for in a matter of days; we professed our exclusivity oath with each other. our relationship was no ordinary kind though i believe this is based on what we truly felt for each other. for a time, i was asking myself, what was the strange feeling all about, yet to no avail. i cannot rationalize the feelings i have. but i'm sure; it’s not something to be afraid of (I hope, that was the signal i got). of course i am ready to get into the plunge, i mean i wanted a real and serious relationship because i felt i needed to traverse the other side of life behind my wall. though, at first i was scared, i mean, i will be subjecting myself to one of my lower faculties, of course it entails pain. some abstract words that caused too much happiness are the ones that caused too much pain. But still, if there is a way to get off the excruciating pain, i’ll choose that path. in matters of love i don’t feel like being a masochist. frankly, even before i woke up from the spell of the fairytale pop culture, i was not in good terms with my emotions. i’ve always tended to play with it, even when it comes to relationship. i can always make face that i am doing all right yet, at the back of it, i am irritated; or i can pretend i am happy but in reality i am not.
but these past days, there is something i don't know that confronts me. may be the reason was that, “i’m happy.”

And i want you to know that. 'till here. i feel for you.

- hehe, censia ka na sinipag ako e :)

me

ps. can i call you honey :)

confused but sure

ewan ko ba siguro dahil siguro sa dami ng problema kaya ako nalilito ng konti sa mga bagay-bagay.

bagamat natutuwa naman ako sa mga dating escapades ko, kahit may kulang. at may ongoing long distance relationship ako na alam ko na gusto ko naman pero, parang nagsasawa ako kasi masyadong lame - parang walang buhay. baka magkatotoo ang sinabi niya kanina na baka magsawa ako sa ganitong set up namin. ganito pala ang long-distance relationship, pag wala talaga mag-e-effort, kung walang magco-compromise, walang mangyayari sa relasyon, baka maitapon lang.

tapos pareho pa kaming busy sa aming karera. mahirap talaga pala ang ganito.

hindi ko pa naman alam kung hanggang saan ang pwedeng maabot nitong relationship adventure ko, sisikapin kong i-work out dahil baka naman manghinayang ako. licensed architect pa naman siya. sa palagay ko may rason kung bakit kami nagtagpo at tuluyang naging magkasintahan.

sige lang, hindi naman natatapos ang pakikibaka sa buhay.

wish ko lang, sana masolusyunan na ang mga suliranin ko.

update on date adventures

17 hrs ago i met up with the nightmare date i previously had and my gosh i learned that i was turned upside down by the girl who was in love with him. it turned out that she said so many bad things against the key which i allegedly said. of course the guy felt bad but he can't help coming back to me, maybe because he has not scored on me yet - mystery remains...hahaha

and i am not in the mood to spoil the msytery - let him live with that mystery.

on one hand, i was glad to have known his past why he became what he is now - but i do not fully agree with what he has done - especially the rigodon de honor of women, flings, and sex partners. but well, it was him. at least i was able to know that side of him.

he seemed a good man in a way, because i happened to meet his bestfriend who he had known since kindergarten and shared to me their pasts. i have come to understand him in a way but still i am not convinced why he did something really bad to himself.

well, maybe he's just enjoying my company and he also has some other motives why he continues his connection with me. maybe use me because i'm with the media, or for his satisfaction which is not going to happen though :)

taking the risk

once again banking on a risky relationship with a total stranger(s). they seem nice and well but i can sense how risky the matter is.

almost 5 months after the latest relationship ended - i was able to enter into one long distance relationship with a long time pal and another relationship with a person just nearby. but the long distance relationship has more weight than the near one because i can sense a good future with him while the near one seems a meantime thing - not for a long term.

just in time that i am slowly realigning my views in life, i am also playing with fire.

it was my choice but then again, at one time or another i am examining myself, "is it really me doing all those stuffs?" or is it the other "me?"

i may sound schizo but there are really two personalities playing up on me everytime i get into petty troubles with men.

i do not necessarily enjoy it but i can answer to it should be reprimanded, i know pretty well that it's my choice.

i brought myself into this soon-to-be-mess and well, whatever, i've got to be ready for all the consequences that may come along.

bumalik na siya......

bumalik na si superman!

dati ang ang buong akala ko hindi ko masyadong gusto si superman - bagamat sinusundan ko lagi ang lois and clark dati, lalo na ang smallville. kaya hindi ko ito dati inaamin kasi isang taga-kanluran kasi ang imahen ni superman - para bang malabo niyang ipagtanggol ang maliliit na bansa sa asya. pero may mga pagtatanghal naman siya kung saan nagliligtas rin siya ng ibang lahi.

pero, ganun pa rin - ang kanyang itsura ay imahen ng isang taga-kanluran. siya ay maputi, matipuno at ingles ang lenguahe. inampon pa nga siya ng amerika para ipangalandakan sa mundo - na kami ang inyong tagapagligtas!

pero nang mapagtanto ko ang pinagmulan ni superman - mula pala siya sa ibang planeta, isa pala siyang alien. at ibig sabihin ang magliligtas sa mundo ay isang dayuhan - isang alien. pero siyempre si superman ay isang kathang-isip lamang, ngunit kung iisipin nating mabuti may ibig itong ipahiwatig sa "great scheme of things."

siguro nga wala sa mundong ito ang "superman."

i'm going to take it as a challenge

it was a great opportunity for me when i was accepted at the news but some people are so "whatever" - they won't stop pulling me down. i really don't know why they give a damn on me - i am such an ordinary individual. and worse these people have positions. why?why?why?

am i a threat? am i the kind who's gonna climb up the managerial position? and they are afraid of that? it would take years and i might not even be able to reach it, what if i suddenly change my mind and leave the country? i mean, a lot of things can happen. why are these people care so much where i go. can't they just leave me alone?

or, they are so pissed off that i was able to land a position at the news desk even if they kicked me out. one friend who used to be my partner at their program told me, maybe their ego was hurt because it was like a slap in their face that i'm still here and at the news.

i just wish they stop bugging me. i am no special and i will never rob them off their position. never.

some silly thoughts.....

i am beginning to abhore men - not that some men did something really bad on me - i just witness a hell lot of them and it really pissed me off.

i am afraid that one day i will hate them. actually there was one time that i wanted to put a stop in establishing a relationship with them - i mean they can be really good as friends but not as a partner.

to be continued.........................